• Jonathan Shiek

So You Know Your Love Language, But Are You Communicating It Right, Tho?

Let’s talk about love, baby.

First of all. Let’s get the major questions outta the way.

What is a ‘love language’? Why are there 5? And how do you speak it? 

Sending me music you think I'd like is a love language — Enna (@__Classyaf) February 5, 2021

Sis, the five love languages are five different ways of expressing and receiving love. This means: 1.Words of affirmation, 2.Quality time, 3.Receiving gifts, 4.Acts of service, and 5, Physical touch. This concept was developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book ‘The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts’. We trust him because he has distilled this experience from his experiences in marriage counseling and also linguistics.

Gary, working from home.

So like, not everyone communicates love in the same way, and people have different ways they prefer to receive love. Issa big difference. According to marriage and family therapist Sunny Motamedi, Psy.D., “We all may relate to most of these languages, but each of us has one that speaks to us the most,“.

So how do you know which one’s yours? There’s a quiz you can take! But, we also found a diagram for you to have an overview:


Now that you have the gist of it, here’s an overview of each of the languages Chapman describes:

  1. Words of Affirmation – People with words of affirmation as a love language value verbal acknowledgments (written & spoken affection) of affection, including frequent “I love you’s,” compliments, words of appreciation, or texting and social media engagement.

  2. Quality Time  – People whose love language is quality time feel the most adored when their partner actively wants to spend time with them and is always down to hang out. They particularly love when active listening, eye contact, and full presence are prioritized hallmarks in the relationship.

  3. Acts of service – If your love language is acts of service, you value when your partner goes out of their way to make your life easier. Like bringing you soup or picking up your dry cleaning for you when you’ve had a busy day at work.

  4. Receiving Gifts – Gifts is a pretty straightforward love language: You feel loved when people give you “visual symbols of love,” as Chapman calls it. It’s not about the monetary value but the symbolic thought behind the item. People with this style recognize and value the gift-giving process: the careful reflection, the deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship, and the emotional benefits from receiving the present.

  5. Physical touch – People with physical touch as their love language feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and sex. Physical intimacy and touch can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector for people with this love language.

The Important Bit

Although love languages seem like a pretty simple concept to grasp, it takes MUCH understanding between partners, and can be transformative if you put in the practical work. It SHOULD invite curiosity, not mind-reading, into the relationship.

Case in point: I might prefer love words of affirmation, but my partner prefers quality time and touch. When i’m needy and demand attention, i might text him sweet nothings all day and think I’m doing a great job at expressing love; meanwhile, he might be wondering why I’m always distracted on my phone when spending time with him and homeboy is actually feeling unloved because of that.

Me after sending an obvious “Im an awesome gf” text

“She’s on Candy Crush again goddammit”

Do you see how it’s easy for there to be a disconnect even when you know your love language? That is why you both need to communicate and it can be easier to give each other what you need.

“we’ll figure it out together” is a love language — Manuel✨ (@bidemitwits) February 8, 2021

Gary Chapman writes, “Love languages are a useful tool to improve how we communicate and express ourselves to each other, but they shouldn’t be the be-all-and-end-all solution for happiness. Instead, it should function as a starting point that sets couples on a journey to meet each other in a more profound way and self-regulate better. But the work shouldn’t stop there.”

#couples #love #lovelanguage

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